After about 18 months of 'trying for a baby' I thought it would be wise to speak to my doctor about investigating our fertility. Initially a very simple process, just go for the blood tests at the correct time during your cycle and hey presto they can determine the basics regarding your fertility. My tests revealed that my hormones were at the right levels and I appeared to be ovulating without any problems. DH, understandably, was somewhat reluctant to go for his sperm analysis. As I have previously said, he was terrified of what the result might be, not for his sake, but for mine. I think he also felt like he was having his manliness questioned. I didn't push, I knew he needed to do it in his own time. Eventually he went and the results came back showing that everything was normal, wow what a relief! But if everything is normal, why aren't we pregnant yet?
We were referred to a consultant gynaecologist at the hospital for further investigations. At our first consultation I had an internal scan which revealed normal ovaries and a sufficient number of eggs, she counted about 6 in each ovary. However, she had suspicions about endometriosis because of symptoms I'd described and something she had spotted on the scan. She told me that I would be referred for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy where they would be able to treat the endo if they found it and basically give my reproductive system a bit of a service. This was likely to happen in about 5-6 months, in the meantime keep trying, "hopefully I won't be seeing you again" she said.
I was amazed when, a month later, I got an appointment through for the surgery. In a strange way I was quite excited, I wondered what they would discover. I actually quite enjoyed going under and the strange sensation of coming round. As I was regaining consciousness a doctor sat by my side and said you won't remember this conversation, but I'll tell you anyway and you'll get it all in a letter within a few days. We found endometriosis which we zapped away, so your tubes are nice and clean now, hopefully you'll get pregnant within the next few months. I was really hopeful after this. The letter came through, as he had promised, and also mentioned something about 'tubal factor muscular damage' there was no more detail about this. There was a follow up appointment booked for 3 months time. I didn't conceive.
At the follow up consultation we were shown detailed pictures form my surgery (quite fascinating) the most revealing of which was one that showed how my tubes had pooled with the blue dye instead of just pushing it straight through. Essentially I have lazy tubes. This, the gynaecologist told us, was the only thing that she thought was preventing us from conceiving naturally. We were informed that the next step was IVF. Our gynaecologist is a very efficient woman and gets straight to the point. There was no discussion as to whether we wanted to go down this route, it was just assumed. I was quite happy, DH looked more like a rabbit caught in the headlights. This doesn't mean you can't conceive naturally she told us, so keep trying and hopefully I won't see you again. This must be her trademark way of ending every consultation.
Knowing a number of friends who have had IVF treatment through the NHS I was naturally expecting an 18 month wait."How long will it be until treatment starts?" I asked. "Well, you could be all done within 5-6 months, we don't do waiting lists in Cheltenham!" Wow. Looks like the post code lottery has worked in our favour. We're getting the same level and speed of treatment as if we had paid privately. And three attempts. I really do appreciate how lucky I am.
Thursday 20 February 2014
Wednesday 19 February 2014
What if we can't conceive?
When we first started trying I thought I would be pregnant by the end of that year (secretly I thought it would happen straight away!). It didn't happen. I went through phases of becoming a little preoccupied with my cycle, studying the fertility app that I had downloaded on my phone on a daily basis. I didn't like forcing sex when I was in my fertile window. Neither of us enjoyed it as much and I think DH actually felt used, as if I only wanted him for his sperm. After about a year we had a big heart to heart and agreed to give it a rest for a while and just see what happened. DH was relieved and I found it refreshing not to be monitoring my cycle so closely.
About four months later, on a beautiful summer camping trip in Exmoor, we started discussing what we would do if it turned out we couldn't conceive naturally. I was shocked to discover that DH was petrified of what I would think, feel and do if he was infertile. I reassured him that it would make no difference to my love for him and my commitment to him. I have always believed in things happening for a reason, even when it appears to be something awful I'll always try to take something positive from it. If we can't conceive, perhaps we're just not meant to. We had a deep conversation about the ethics of IVF and we decided at the time, if it came to it, we wouldn't go down that route.
DH then made a very contentious point about having children. Any parents reading this may well be offended. "Having a child is the most selfish thing you can do" he said "What!!? How can it be?" I asked.
I should mention that DH is a very effective debater and can always make his point of view out to be the most valid one. Perhaps this is why we never argue, I'd never stand a chance of winning! He went on to suggest that surely choosing to have a child is all for your own sake. You're not having a child for the child's sake, it doesn't exist yet. You're not having a child to benefit the community or society in any way. In fact having a child will just increase the population and the strain on the country's resources and economy. A person chooses to have a child for purely selfish reasons. I attempted to counter his argument; when the baby is born the parents become selfless, they give everything into that child's life to ensure it's health and happiness. Well, yes, of course, but that doesn't negate the fact that the parents chose to do that and that they chose to do it for their own selfish reasons and fulfilment. I couldn't help but agree. The title of my first post on this blog springs to mind, why do I want a baby? I don't know, I just want one! Can I give any reason for wanting a baby that is not selfish? No.
We talked about adoption and instantly I could see that DH would rather adopt a child than father his own. He would then be doing something that is helping and making a difference to someone's life. It made sense, he's a compassionate and caring man and is certainly not selfish. A few months later I found out that a friend was going through the adoption process. They had been jumping through hoops for months and had finally been approved for adoption. The conversation made me realise how difficult adoption would be. People don't give up healthy babies any more. My friend told me that the vast majority of children that need adopting have severe 'psychological damage' (for want of a better expression) due to the mental/physical abuse they have suffered. Adoption is not a light decision, it is not a simple alternative to having a baby of your own. I truly admire anyone who adopts and although I love the idea of changing a child's life, I just don't think I have the mental strength for it. The question of what we will do if we can't conceive, I know is a question that will be answered by me. Despite his opinions and feelings towards having a baby I know DH will not debate this and ultimately it will be my decision. Whatever that is I also know I will have his full support.
About four months later, on a beautiful summer camping trip in Exmoor, we started discussing what we would do if it turned out we couldn't conceive naturally. I was shocked to discover that DH was petrified of what I would think, feel and do if he was infertile. I reassured him that it would make no difference to my love for him and my commitment to him. I have always believed in things happening for a reason, even when it appears to be something awful I'll always try to take something positive from it. If we can't conceive, perhaps we're just not meant to. We had a deep conversation about the ethics of IVF and we decided at the time, if it came to it, we wouldn't go down that route.
DH then made a very contentious point about having children. Any parents reading this may well be offended. "Having a child is the most selfish thing you can do" he said "What!!? How can it be?" I asked.
I should mention that DH is a very effective debater and can always make his point of view out to be the most valid one. Perhaps this is why we never argue, I'd never stand a chance of winning! He went on to suggest that surely choosing to have a child is all for your own sake. You're not having a child for the child's sake, it doesn't exist yet. You're not having a child to benefit the community or society in any way. In fact having a child will just increase the population and the strain on the country's resources and economy. A person chooses to have a child for purely selfish reasons. I attempted to counter his argument; when the baby is born the parents become selfless, they give everything into that child's life to ensure it's health and happiness. Well, yes, of course, but that doesn't negate the fact that the parents chose to do that and that they chose to do it for their own selfish reasons and fulfilment. I couldn't help but agree. The title of my first post on this blog springs to mind, why do I want a baby? I don't know, I just want one! Can I give any reason for wanting a baby that is not selfish? No.
We talked about adoption and instantly I could see that DH would rather adopt a child than father his own. He would then be doing something that is helping and making a difference to someone's life. It made sense, he's a compassionate and caring man and is certainly not selfish. A few months later I found out that a friend was going through the adoption process. They had been jumping through hoops for months and had finally been approved for adoption. The conversation made me realise how difficult adoption would be. People don't give up healthy babies any more. My friend told me that the vast majority of children that need adopting have severe 'psychological damage' (for want of a better expression) due to the mental/physical abuse they have suffered. Adoption is not a light decision, it is not a simple alternative to having a baby of your own. I truly admire anyone who adopts and although I love the idea of changing a child's life, I just don't think I have the mental strength for it. The question of what we will do if we can't conceive, I know is a question that will be answered by me. Despite his opinions and feelings towards having a baby I know DH will not debate this and ultimately it will be my decision. Whatever that is I also know I will have his full support.
Tuesday 18 February 2014
Why do I want a baby?
I think, as many women do, that I have always assumed my life would follow a certain path; a happy marriage, a good job, a nice house and kids. Well, I've I achieved the first three, but 'kids' is where I've hit a stumbling block. My desire to get pregnant has grown, a lot, over the past four years. But why? I have no idea why I feel the need and want for a baby in our life. I have what I consider a perfect life, why on earth would I want to change that?! I love my life. I married my soul-mate and we have an incredible marriage, we enjoy every day we spend together and to this day we have never had an argument or even raised our voices to each other. We have our dog, essentially our baby who is more like a little pony (he weighs 35kg). Although he is 'only a dog' we love him dearly and he brings so much joy to our lives. He was not an easy puppy, far from it! Many of our friends, who have children themselves, have said to us that if we managed to cope with him, we'll find kids a breeze. I'd like to believe that.
So, back to my desire for a baby, or is it just the pregnancy I want? I have a mild obsession with pregnant bumps. I think they are beautiful and I have yearned for a bump of my own for years.I have to suppress the urge to stroke the bellies of expectant mothers I meet (I would only ever ask to feel the bump of a friend). From a young age I have always cooed around babies, I love children. Yet I still cannot explain why I want one of my own. The only thing I can put in down to is a natural maternal instinct, even if that does sound a bit clichéd.
What about Hubby though, how does he feel about children? In a nutshell he doesn't like babies and has never wanted to father one. However, before he proposed to me he knew and understood that marriage would include children, but we never really discussed it. I first started tentatively suggesting that we start trying (well stop trying not to) for a baby about three years ago. I do worry about Hubby. I feel very selfish and often question whether we should be doing this. I love him so much, so why am I forcing him to do this? But, he loves me so much that he wants to give me everything he can. I believe that the moment we have a baby, Hubby will discover his paternal instinct and will be a fantastic father. Friends and family often say 'it will be different when it's your own'. I hold on to this thought and I have to, anything else is unthinkable. What if he's not different, what if he doesn't want to hold his own baby, what if he ends up resenting me and the baby. These are fleeting thoughts and worries I have. However, he has strong values and morals and is such a decent man that he will always do right by his family.
So, back to my desire for a baby, or is it just the pregnancy I want? I have a mild obsession with pregnant bumps. I think they are beautiful and I have yearned for a bump of my own for years.I have to suppress the urge to stroke the bellies of expectant mothers I meet (I would only ever ask to feel the bump of a friend). From a young age I have always cooed around babies, I love children. Yet I still cannot explain why I want one of my own. The only thing I can put in down to is a natural maternal instinct, even if that does sound a bit clichéd.
What about Hubby though, how does he feel about children? In a nutshell he doesn't like babies and has never wanted to father one. However, before he proposed to me he knew and understood that marriage would include children, but we never really discussed it. I first started tentatively suggesting that we start trying (well stop trying not to) for a baby about three years ago. I do worry about Hubby. I feel very selfish and often question whether we should be doing this. I love him so much, so why am I forcing him to do this? But, he loves me so much that he wants to give me everything he can. I believe that the moment we have a baby, Hubby will discover his paternal instinct and will be a fantastic father. Friends and family often say 'it will be different when it's your own'. I hold on to this thought and I have to, anything else is unthinkable. What if he's not different, what if he doesn't want to hold his own baby, what if he ends up resenting me and the baby. These are fleeting thoughts and worries I have. However, he has strong values and morals and is such a decent man that he will always do right by his family.
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