What if we can't conceive?

When we first started trying I thought I would be pregnant by the end of that year (secretly I thought it would happen straight away!). It didn't happen. I went through phases of becoming a little preoccupied with my cycle, studying the fertility app that I had downloaded on my phone on a daily basis. I didn't like forcing sex when I was in my fertile window. Neither of us enjoyed it as much and I think DH actually felt used, as if I only wanted him for his sperm. After about a year we had a big heart to heart and agreed to give it a rest for a while and just see what happened. DH was relieved and I found it refreshing not to be monitoring my cycle so closely.

About four months later, on a beautiful summer camping trip in Exmoor, we started discussing what we would do if it turned out we couldn't conceive naturally. I was shocked to discover that DH was petrified of what I would think, feel and do if he was infertile. I reassured him that it would make no difference to my love for him and my commitment to him. I have always believed in things happening for a reason, even when it appears to be something awful I'll always try to take something positive from it. If we can't conceive, perhaps we're just not meant to. We had a deep conversation about the ethics of IVF and we decided at the time, if it came to it, we wouldn't go down that route.

DH then made a very contentious point about having children. Any parents reading this may well be offended. "Having a child is the most selfish thing you can do" he said "What!!? How can it be?" I asked.
I should mention that DH is a very effective debater and can always make his point of view out to be the most valid one. Perhaps this is why we never argue, I'd never stand a chance of winning! He went on to suggest that surely choosing to have a child is all for your own sake. You're not having a child for the child's sake, it doesn't exist yet. You're not having a child to benefit the community or society in any way. In fact having a child will just increase the population and the strain on the country's resources and economy. A person chooses to have a child for purely selfish reasons. I attempted to counter his argument; when the baby is born the parents become selfless, they give everything into that child's life to ensure it's health and happiness. Well, yes, of course, but that doesn't negate the fact that the parents chose to do that and that they chose to do it for their own selfish reasons and fulfilment. I couldn't help but agree. The title of my first post on this blog springs to mind, why do I want a baby? I don't know, I just want one!  Can I give any reason for wanting a baby that is not selfish? No.

We talked about adoption and instantly I could see that DH would rather adopt a child than father his own. He would then be doing something that is helping and making a difference to someone's life. It made sense, he's a compassionate and caring man and is certainly not selfish. A few months later I found out that a friend was going through the adoption process. They had been jumping through hoops for months and had finally been approved for adoption. The conversation made me realise how difficult adoption would be. People don't give up healthy babies any more. My friend told me that the vast majority of children that need adopting have severe 'psychological damage' (for want of a better expression) due to the mental/physical abuse they have suffered. Adoption is not a light decision, it is not a simple alternative to having a baby of your own. I truly admire anyone who adopts and although I love the idea of changing a child's life, I just don't think I have the mental strength for it. The question of what we will do if we can't conceive, I know is a question that will be answered by me. Despite his opinions and feelings towards having a baby I know DH will not debate this and ultimately it will be my decision. Whatever that is I also know I will have his full support.